I really trusted you. I really thought you would be there for me. I did everything you asked. I tried to listen to your voice, follow every rule. I wanted to believe you would come through for me. That you really cared for me. That you weren’t some distant God far away, but intimately involved in my life.
I thought I saw your footsteps in the sand, carrying me along. I thought I felt your touch, leading me along the right path. There were times when I thought you’d gone, when I couldn’t reconcile what was happening in my life with your Goodness and Love, but then you would show me that you were there. The light would come on and I’d see my way through.
But now I am at the end of a dream. I will never get to be a mom. I will never hold my child in my arms or watch them grow into a young woman or man. I will never feel the depth of the worry and pain or the love and joy only a child can bring. And you are nowhere to be found. Who will answer for my lost dream?
I watch as so many others receive this beautiful gift of a child. Others who don’t know you, others who are kind and loving and then there are those who receive this gift and treat it with contempt. Too selfish to make the sacrifice to love unconditionally. If you are really good and you are really loving then how can you allow such injustice? If you are not watching out for us then who is?
I have been through many difficult things in my life, and I have seen how it has grown me and made me a better person, but there is nothing I can learn from this lesson that will make up for the fact that you have left me barren. Over and over again in stories of God, you bless families with children, in fact you saved the world through a child, and yet you withhold this one thing, the one blessing from me, even though I have served you all my life. How can you be good? How can you be loving? You say you know how to give good gifts to your Children, well where is my good gift? You give to others and not to me?
My only conclusion is that you are not the God I thought you were. Either you are not loving and good or you are far away and not intimately involved in my life. I choose the later because I cannot bear the thought that you would allow such pain in my life and could stand idle beside me and watch it unfold and do nothing about it. And if you are far away, that is fine, because I do not want you in my life any more. You have betrayed me and I don’t know if I can ever forgive you. I am sad to see this part of my life end, but maybe it’s for the best. Your rules and laws have keep me trapped and burdened me unnecessarily. It’s time for me to be out on my own. To know that I can make good decisions that I am a good person with or without you and that I have the power in me to bring good into my life.