An Open Letter to God,

I really trusted you. I really thought you would be there for me. I did everything you asked. I tried to listen to your voice, follow every rule. I wanted to believe you would come through for me. That you really cared for me. That you weren’t some distant God far away, but intimately involved in my life.

I thought I saw your footsteps in the sand, carrying me along. I thought I felt your touch, leading me along the right path. There were times when I thought you’d gone, when I couldn’t reconcile what was happening in my life with your Goodness and Love, but then you would show me that you were there. The light would come on and I’d see my way through.

But now I am at the end of a dream. I will never get to be a mom. I will never hold my child in my arms or watch them grow into a young woman or man. I will never feel the depth of the worry and pain or the love and joy only a child can bring. And you are nowhere to be found. Who will answer for my lost dream?

I watch as so many others receive this beautiful gift of a child. Others who don’t know you, others who are kind and loving and then there are those who receive this gift and treat it with contempt. Too selfish to make the sacrifice to love unconditionally. If you are really good and you are really loving then how can you allow such injustice? If you are not watching out for us then who is?

I have been through many difficult things in my life, and I have seen how it has grown me and made me a better person, but there is nothing I can learn from this lesson that will make up for the fact that you have left me barren. Over and over again in stories of God, you bless families with children, in fact you saved the world through a child, and yet you withhold this one thing, the one blessing from me, even though I have served you all my life. How can you be good? How can you be loving? You say you know how to give good gifts to your Children, well where is my good gift? You give to others and not to me?

My only conclusion is that you are not the God I thought you were. Either you are not loving and good or you are far away and not intimately involved in my life. I choose the later because I cannot bear the thought that you would allow such pain in my life and could stand idle beside me and watch it unfold and do nothing about it. And if you are far away, that is fine, because I do not want you in my life any more. You have betrayed me and I don’t know if I can ever forgive you. I am sad to see this part of my life end, but maybe it’s for the best. Your rules and laws have keep me trapped and burdened me unnecessarily. It’s time for me to be out on my own. To know that I can make good decisions that I am a good person with or without you and that I have the power in me to bring good into my life.



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Finding Plan B

It’s hard to believe it’s been almost nine months since I wrote the post “Fork in the Road” and I can’t say my feelings have changed much since I wrote it. A lot has happened in this past year, including getting a new job, however I don’t know if I’m any closer to discovering where this new path is leading me. What I have discovered is a great community of women who are in a similar situation as me and it has been helpful to share the burden of this journey with them.

I do not know what this year will hold, but I am committed to getting closer to my Plan B. This holiday season has been very difficult for me, between facing the reality of not being a mom, the loss of my husband’s father, and the loss of my faith, Christmas has not been joyful. Waking up on Christmas day with no children to scurry down to the Christmas tree and open presents left the day feeling empty. The realization that there would never be children to in our home to wake up and see what Santa left behind was almost too much to bear.

I wrote a letter to my children this Christmas, the ones I will never know, and in that letter I promised them that I would take the love and energy I would have lavished on them and do something to make the world a better place. I still do not know exactly what that will look like, but I promise to keep going until I found out. I plan to use this blog to work out my “Plan B” and hope by this time next year to be closer to it. Thank you in advance to all of you who will journey with me.

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