Fork in the Road

I’m not sure where to start this blog. I am lost. I thought my life was going to take one direction, but, instead it’s taken another. Infertility has come along and barricaded the way.

For the last decade I’ve been trying to conceive a child. My husband and I attempted one last time to have a child this past December. We were so thrilled with the results – a pregnancy – but tragically, we lost our child on January 21. I’ve been pregnant twice now and I’ve never heard my children’s hearts beat and now I never will. We decided that this was our last attempt. The financial and emotional toll has just been too great. So the road has forked, and I am on the journey of one who is “barren”, who will never have a child.

Being childless in this world isn’t as easy as you would think. With all the advances that feminism has taken in the last two decades, being a mother is still very high on the list of things to do. If you have children you probably aren’t aware of how many times the conversations turns to children and how many Facebook posts consists of pictures and stories of kids. To not have a child is to be on the outside of what the rest of the world experiences. I still don’t know how to answer people when they ask me how many children I have. Mostly I just try not to start crying.

One of the worst parts of this journey is that you are alone. There is no funeral, no casket to cry over, no people bringing warm dishes or sending flowers. I am mourning the loss of two children I never knew and the desire to be a mom and I have to do it in silence. People are uncomfortable with pain, esepcially unresolvable pain that involves, shall we say it, sex. It is what it is, but the facts remain, my loss is generally unacknowledged by the world.

I have to admit, my view of the world is shaken and my faith has pretty much disolved. I no longer believe if you try hard enough and do what you’re supposed to, life will, for the most part, be kind to you. There is no fairness and no overriding sense to this world. Things do not happen “for a reason”. They just happen and sometimes, they really suck!

But I don’t want to live here in this bitterness and anger. My way is blocked and now I am taking the fork in the road and there is a path to follow, I’m just not sure what path right now. Do I throw myslef into my career, try and become the best Aunt in the world, or pursue my dream of being a songwriter…or “D” all of the above? I guess time will tell and hopefully this blog will help me decipher where this new path leads.

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